If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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