I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
