True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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