Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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