She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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