Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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