I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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