My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He shit in the fireplace
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
