I wish I only lived at night.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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