My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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