I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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