It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
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At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I just blew my weed a kiss
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
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People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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