I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
