I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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