come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
this just has baby written all over it
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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