I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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