Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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