I just saw a hot homeless man
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i wish my penis had a tongue
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
