I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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