Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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