I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He better not be in your backpack
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
