Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
