I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
