We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
