Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
