I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Randomize
