oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
