her vagine was all disorganized.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
