I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
