god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
