I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
