Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
