just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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