There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
