Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Your cock deserves a montage
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
