Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
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i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
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I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
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