so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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