you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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