did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Two words: blizzard sex
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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