My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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