If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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