im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I am spending my child support on dildos
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
