Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
