I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
We need to get me chipped asap
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
