phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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