Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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