I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
