Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
