Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
