Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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