I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
