I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
