6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
