she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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