Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
