Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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