You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
People in love make me want to vomit
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
