I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
