upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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