I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
