It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
