You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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